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Gratitude - That One Time

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40 Days of Gratitude from the perspective of Chronic Illness & Disability - What is one time you pushed yourself that you are grateful for?

What one time did you push yourself are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for this present moment in my life. 

That may sound cliche, but right now, this moment, this season of my life, I'm pushing myself harder than I've ever had to in the past. I'm learning more, pushing for more clarity of purpose and function, and having to dig deep to struggle through some daunting medical complications.

Writing

November is National Novel Writing Month, and I'm a die-hard fanatic. I support the NaNoWriMo organization every year, both with cash donations and by buying merch. This year, I went all out, with a mug, a tee-shirt, a poster, and a book.  I'm not progressing as much as I'd like on my project, because I've been facing down a massive wall of backlog from almost two months of thin workdays. 

Why so much backlog? I'll get into the nitty-gritty of that in a moment, but suffice to say, health issues that stem from my fibromyalgia have been pushing their way to the forefront. A blog series that should have been finished over a month ago is still in the works (granted, I have just one post after this). I'm way behind in my book review blog posts for the bookstore. My weight loss has stalled out. And my financial goals aren't being met. Why?

Health

Fibromyalgia is a complicated, multi-layered collection of health issues to begin with. I've been working with my own for almost seven years now, and since I first "got sick" (fibro wasn't the initial problem), I've more than doubled my "problems" list. And in the past couple of months, the fatigue and depression overwhelmed me when a sudden change in our weather tripped the seasonal features of my medical conditions.

I'm not out of the woods yet. Last week, another issue cropped up unexpectedly, and I am looking forward to a battery of tests over the next few weeks as my medical team tries to figure out what's going on.

The irony is that this new complication cropped up in the immediate aftermath of a private rant between me, myself, and I over my health and how dissatisfied I am. Not because I want social approval of how I look, or because I feel pressured by anyone else to be something I'm not.

No, this rant... This dissatisfaction came straight from my heart - from a deep-seated pissed-off-me. My body and I are partners in this - I have some mental triggers that spark unhealthy behaviors, and when I am doing well in the emotional department, my body likes to be uncooperative with working out.

I'm done.

I'm totally over this whole "poor me" thing. Yes, I'll talk about fibromyalgia, chronic illness, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, because I understand those things and how they related to a life lived unfulfilled. As much as I want to pretend I have none of those things, I can't! They are interwoven into the fabric of who I am. Where I'm done, though, is in letting these things win every battle.

I'm done rolling over and surrendering to disability.

And I'm going to win. 

The journey may be slow. It may be painful at times. It will require getting up early in the morning (insert whiney ego-voice here). But at the end of the day, I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own body.

Business

2018 hasn't been a bad year for our businesses. I haven't seen the growth I wanted, as I've faced some major life events and changes that derailed my progress for a while, but at the end of the day, I've surpassed about 50% of our business goals for the year.

But the general dissatisfaction with my status quo includes the businesses, especially Sage Wolfsong. The upside of a not-quite-successful year is that I am ending the year with more clarity of purpose and path, and I'm knocking on the door of opportunity, even as I write this.

2019 will bring in several changes. You might notice a lull in my blog posts for a bit as I work behind the scenes to execute some of these changes. Then again, I've been inconsistent recently, and you might not!

When it's all said and done, however, it is my hope that I've refined this site enough that I can bring consistent value to the table for my readers week after week. With that in mind, my goal is to close out the year with posts that share some of my favorite tools and resources that I've discovered this year.

Education

I'm a life-long learner. I love learning. I love teaching. I love teaching-to-learn. When Daughter decided she wanted to enter the public school system this spring, I didn't find myself suffering from a lack of purpose - I'd pre-planned for that day a few years ago, even if I still don't have "all the pieces" I went in search of.

No. What I found, was a lack of learning. I was busy with writing, with managing the store, with moving and handling the changes in our finances. I was absorbed in fiction for the sake of book reviews for the store. I was deep in preparing for, attending, and recovering from RWA 2018. 

The national Romance Writers conference broke something open in me, though. Not only did I rediscover my love of networking, I realized I was missing the learning that came with having to teach.

I still have Skillshare classes that I take, but I've gone one step further. I've identified the areas of my life that I want to see improvement in, and I've created my own curriculum for me.

I won't say I've overcome "shiny object syndrome." I still struggle with "OMG, I want to do this and this and this and this."

Amazon is a bizarre rabbit hole of its own kind that drags me in with its plethora of amazing books! I have an extensive list of my priorities. Wish me luck in sticking to it, though. Some days, I really wish I could double my hours in the day, for the sake of getting it all done.

I'll settle for less fatigue and more energy to get it done in the hours I have, though.

To answer the question posed at the beginning of this blog post: Right now.

40 Days of Gratitude from the perspective of Chronic Illness & Disability - What is one time you pushed yourself that you are grateful for?

I'm most grateful for here and now, and all the challenges I'm pushing myself through with the knowledge that I'll come out the other side a better person. Failure isn't an option. Lessons will be learned. Goals will have to be reevaluated, I'm sure. Compromise is a last resort. I'm ready, right now, to push myself to reach for the next level, and I want you to join me for the journey.

As always, I'd love to hear from you - When have you pushed yourself and been grateful for the lessons, whether you succeeded or won or not? Drop into the comments below and share!

Related blog posts: 

The Gratitude Series & Challenge - Intro

5 Things You Should Know About Your Chronic Pain

Goodbye, 2017 - Bring It On, 2018


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